I just read the post "Commitment" over at Blocks & Knocks and it brought me to have a deep think about my own suffering marriage. Not that I wasn't thinking about it beforehand, of course. Obviously, our relationship never used to leave me feeling completely isolated, and there was a lot of love and mutual respect there, or else I would never have agreed to marry him. Now, it's all but gone.
I do still love him. He's my husband. The father of our two children. Of course, I love him. But I want to feel as in love with him as I used to. I won't say it's having children that has caused us to drift so far apart, because to me, it's not. It's the game. The game he insists on going on every single day. It's him.
We went out for dinner tonight. My Mum, Dad & sisters invited us to join them, their shout. Naturally, I was thrilled. I love getting a chance to leave the house, and heck, I don't get to go much of anywhere lately, so I accepted the invitation. I called hubby at work. He said he wasn't coming, but we could go. Oh okay, I think to myself, he wants to play his stupid game, rather than spend a night with his wife & kids. I am gutted.
Kids, my dear friend who is visiting, and I get back from an amazing night out. Full of food, smiles and completely & utterly relaxed to find hubby having done the washing, and playing his guitar. How sweet, a man who does the washing. I agree, I thought it was nice of him to wash and hang out his own work shirt and leave a basket full of wet washing for me to hang out... I was also, a bit angry that he hadn't spent all night playing his game. It made me feel awful that the one time the kids and I are not here, he doesn't play it. He can do "normal" things. Things he used to do before we had kids, before we got married, before he started playing the game.
He's since popped one of the children to bed, and emerged a few hours later after dozing off with the kidlet in question, to come out and, yep, you guessed it, log onto the darn game.
I am, obviously so loathesome that he has to play it when he's left alone with me.
He, obviously feels more relaxed when I am not home.
I don't know why I bother fighting for a marriage he doesn't see is worth logging off to talk to me about.