Thursday, January 27, 2011

Sounds Crazy.

It sounds crazy just thinking about it.
Now, I am going to put the crazy out there.
I have bad feelings.
They plague me everyday, for one reason or another.
When I say I have "bad feelings" I mean my whole body is taken over by a deep, dark, aching, black, dread feeling in the pit of my stomach and I don't know why it's there, and it rises up, until it's caught in my throat nearly choking me. I don't know how I manage to stop it. I don't know why it's even started happening. The only thing I know is when.

The medication.
It's given me energy.
And the feeling of impending doom.

I can't travel in cars with other drivers [even drivers I know and trust, who haven't had accidents due to their own fault] without feeling the need to clutch something, feeling fear creeping through my body, and watching their foot on the brake pedal. It's that bad, at one stage I became hysterical when my husband overtook someone on the freeway. He wasn't doing anything wrong. I would have done the same thing. He's a careful driver. But the dread came and took over my rationale. I couldn't breathe. I panicked. I couldn't breathe. He yelled at me, told me I was... some colourful words because I scared him and was "acting crazy".

My daughter is 6 months old. I have had a feeling of dread concerning her since I started the medication. Her risk of SIDS. I never spoke about it with anyone. I had a fight with myself inside my head.
"What if she dies of SIDS?"
"The chances are small!"
"So are the chances of babies being born on their due date, but she did it.!"
"You're being crazy"
"I know, she'll be 6 months soon, then I can relax"
It never happened. The doom is still there. She's happy, healthy, I am being 100% insane, I know, but I cannot stop the fear.

My son cracked his head open. He's had that many injuries in his life, no, I'm not unfit, he's just a rough-nut, you think I'd be used to his crazy ways. I saw the blood, the feeling of doom came. It's not just a minor "I hope he's okay" feeling. If it were, I wouldn't think anything of it. I just cannot shake the bigger, scarier feeling of it's all going to come to a head.

Hubby sleeps in, without my knowledge, therefore he's not home ten minutes after he finishes work, because he has to stay back. I look out the window, waiting, watching, pacing, nearly hyperventilating. I saw a police car drive past my house once [which is on a main road, and one of the direct streets to get to the police station] on the other side of the road, and  burst into tears. The "black" feeling just consumed my body, my head. My whole life, and what I'd do without him just consumed my body. I couldn't stand. Mind you, it was 5:10pm. He would've finished work at 5pm. I seriously cannot expect him to get out of work, and battle peak hour traffic in under 10 minutes. So even if he's not late to work that morning, it is mental of me to expect him home so quickly. It's crazy, but I wasn't thinking straight. I felt like I was hallucinating when he walked in the door. I felt CRAZIER when I saw him alive and well.

This doom.
It makes me ill.
It makes me want to throw up, cry, all at once.
It makes it hard to breathe.
It hurts.
I want it to stop.
I need it to stop.
It's making me crazy.


  1. I've totally been there - the panic attacks, the anxiety, the feeling of constant doom&gloom... The "fix" for me was medication. But you're already taking something, so maybe the fix is to change it?

  2. I am there with you every day. Mine isnt so life numbing now, but its there. I suffered through panic disorder, and depression for many years but its over now. I am on the other side now, but I still feel that doom and as I hear so many mums speak of it I wonder if its not actually very normal? Its NOT ok that it consumes your thoughts, but its ok to worry about the ones we love, to protect them in our thoughts. Fight or flight? I think it comes with the territory of having kids honestly, unless my entire friends base are insane with me.

    I dont mean in any way to make it sound like you dont need to fix this, because it is clearly consuming you, and thats no life, but i'm hoping I can let you know you are not alone. My husband barely goes out these days because its not worth the 'please be safe, please dont drink, please dont be in town, you have small kids etc' speach. I'm hoping not to pass this crazy fear onto my kids.