Handy Hints for dealing with A-Holes.

Okay, I just want to specify the A-Holes in question here are the following: Telemarketers, Door-to-Door Salesmen [also known as the Interrupting Turds] and Bible Bashers. I just want to write here before I start that I am not racist, I am not anti-Jesus, and I am not a drug addict, I just hate people who interrupt my life with stuff I don't care about. If I wanted Cable, a holiday overseas or even to join a religion, someone who rings my phone or hounds me at my front door would not be the thing to persuade me to do so.

Now, I don't know how many of you other poor unfortunates out there have a listed phone number, but I do, so I get the dubious pleasure of regular telemarketer phone calls. The only problem being, unless you are super skilled sometimes it's difficult to tell a telemarketer from someone who is telling you that you have legitimately won an all expense paid holiday for a month. A dead giveaway that you are dealing with a telemarketer is caller I.D. If it flashes "overseas" chances are that the person is lying when they say they are in your hometown. Another giveaway, in case you don't have caller I.D is their accents [in my extensive telemarketing experience, they are Indian] and the fact you can hear several other people on telephones in the background giving several other people the same holiday as you have 'won'.

I have found they always call me at the most inopportune times.

For example, I have been found in the middle of cooking dinner, separating a fight because Miss E decided to slobber all over the toy Master S wanted to play with, when, yep, you guessed it, the phone rang.

So how does one deal with jerks like this?

Quite simply.

You can do the hang-up. This, in my experience, results in them thinking there's been an error and calling back.

You can ignore the phone. This, just pisses me off.

You can give them an earfull of abuse, but this results in your two year old walking around dropping the "F" bomb for days, and even makes the telemarketer hang up on you as if YOU are the jerk.

This image can be found here

If you want to have a giggle at their expense, these helpful hints are just the treat.

You need to pick up that you have a telemarketer early on in the conversation if you don't have Caller I.D for this to work. Try to say as minimal as possible. Why? Because you are about to do some over the phone acting. It's best if you mentally prepare yourself for this day, and even have a back-up story. Here is one I prepared earlier.

When the phone rings, you need to arm yourself with an incredibly fake Indian accent, a fake name [I prefer Sanjeev or Rita, but the world is your oyster] and a product you want to sell to people [a holiday, steam-mop, or even two children from a third world country, whatever tickles your fancy, be creative]. If you turn the tables around and try to sell your telemarketer a product, using the same irritating tactics they do, they soon realise how annoying it is, and apologise for wasting your time. You hang up the phone laughing, and they go back to the phone book and piss off your neighbour. Win, win.!

Or, if you are struggling to find the time to do this, and have an overly chatty toddler, give them the phone and see how long the telemarketer lasts.

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My next tip is for dealing with door to door salesmen.

I understand they are just trying to earn a buck, but seriously, do it on someone else's doorstep.

I have often answered the door with unbrushed hair and resembling what I imagine death would look like. If I can't take the time to look sexy, what on earth makes you think I'll find the time to sit down and watch a movie on Austar!? Even my blog posts have to be prepared in advance, so I have enough time to post them.

Okay, now my rant is over, here's what you've got to do. Some more acting is involved, this time you are going to need some props. A black beanie, and some black gloves. Yes, whip out your winter woolies, and grab your kids' piggy bank [or if you are super keen, unplug your game console and carry that to the door] and make sure you have a toy gun [or if like me you don't have any in the house, a hair dryer stuffed into your pants, but so the shape can be seen, will do fine].

When asked if you are the homeowner, act overly suspicious. Say "uh.. yes" but try to avoid making eye contact. When they get into their spiel about what they want to sell you, just say "look, I'm in a hurry, can you open this for me, my prints are on file" and offer them the piggy bank. You're testing their true worth by how quickly they high tail it off your doorstep. If they offer to help, well, I've never had to deal with that so you are on your own.

If you are unable to perform this, because you have kids crying in the background, answer the door armed with tape, and some sort of cord slung over your shoulder. Aim for the kidnapping/home invasion appearance.

Now, onto my favourite of all. Bible Bashers.

I am a religious person, it's just my faith, is not the one that gets forced upon me on my doorstep. I am an Anglican, and make no immediate plans to change that fact, regardless of who comes to my door.

It is my belief that God is accepting of all Faith's, and seriously, as long as they guy is getting praised every Sunday he's not going to give a shit how it's done, or by whom. I have been taught to be tolerant of other people's Faith and for these people to knock on my door and preach their beliefs at me is a blatant disregard for my religion. It's as if they are telling me I am wrong, and have been for 23 years. I am not wrong, I am never wrong, and I loathe people who try to make me feel wrong.

I have found with the delightful folk who come to my door armed with Jesus stories are mostly old folk. Whether that's a tried and tested method by the Church, in the hopes people will be less inclined to tell Mr & Mrs. Pensioner to eff off, in my house, those rules don't apply.

[I must say I have a see-through door, therefore I know who is on my door-step, prior to answering the door, so I have time to mentally prepare myself for what I am about to do. If you don't have a see-through door, invest in a peep-hole. They make people's heads look massive/hilarious!].

I know enough about religion [I went through a bible studying phase in my teens] to arm myself against Bible Bashers.

This crude little image can be found here

Here are my many favourite things to do when dealing with Bible Bashers.

[In case you didn't notice, I am not an "ignore the door", "close the door on them" or "listen and politely nod until they go away" kinda gal. My husband is the politely nod guy, and it's ridiculous that he puts himself through that torture when he doesn't even believe in the religion he was Baptized in, let alone their's]

Answer the door in a panic and say "I can't talk right now, I've left my baby outside to play with our pet dingo" [I am aware that Mrs. LCC was a 7th Day Adventist, but I don't care, and this works].

Grab your handbag & keys before answering the door and say "Oh, you just caught me on my way out to give my blood so a little girl can have a transfusion".

Answer the door and yell out to no-one in particular behind you "Yes, of course, I will help you with your homework for that Bachelor Degree you are doing".

You could recycle the "Burglar caught mid home-invasion" scenario.

If you have a male present at the time of the door knock, have him yell out in an over the top Bogan voice "Hun, I need some shit roll" and then lean over and grab one of their pamphlets.

This one's pretty handy if you have an Insulin Dependant diabetic living with you.

Answer the door, speak slurred, then have your Diabetic friend produce a syringe & offer you another "hit".

If you have a member of the opposite [or even same sex works better] present, get them to yell out "This is going to cost you an extra $200 if you keep me here waiting for you. These nipple clamps are killing me!"

Or last but not least, and only if you are keen,

Smudge up your lippy, mess up your hair, and drop your pants before answering the door.

Or even answer the door fully naked.

[I have never answered the door naked, but I'd try it if I were more confident]

Anyone in their right mind would find this awkward, and it's unlikely they would want a "tramp" to be a part of their congregation.

You know what also works if you aren't keen on being creative.!?

Get a silent number and attach a sign near your front door saying "No Hawkers/Bible Bashers Welcome".

I personally, think that's a bit rude, though.

What handy hints, if any, do you have for dealing with A-Holes!?