Friday, March 4, 2011

To be a dirty smoker, like me.

So, I fucked up.
I fell off the bandwagon, if you will.
I've gone from being a pack a day smoker,
To a semi-psychotic quitter,
To preaching the pack a days smokers for pack a day smoking,
To lighting up, again.

[I totally just did a crap in my pants because a police car went past and made his siren chirp, bastard]

I stink.
My clothes stink.
My mouth tastes like arse.
My hands, which were once awe-worthy with their softness,
Are now tinged with that orange filth.

[Yes, I am smoking now, hence the police car shock, because I am outside]

I want to jump back on my temporarily abandoned bandwagon.
I want to quit.
I want to not be the crazy woman who snaps when her kids snap half a pack of brand new crayons and think "Have a cigarette, and calm the fuck down, you looney!"
I want my increasing health back.

I want that strength I had nearly five months ago to put down the cigarettes and not want one.
I have tried [obviously not hard enough] to say "I give up".
Stress, from where, what, I don't know, is eating away at me.
I know I want my kids to see photo's of me without a fag wedged between my fingers.
I know I want them to think of me as strong,
Able to handle anything.
To know I was, and always will be a smoker, who was strong enough, and is strong enough to go through everyday not only not wanting one, but not having one.

I'm ashamed of me.
Ashamed that I wasn't strong enough and reached out for a crutch that led to me reaching for another,
And another,
And another.

Everyone around me is so supportive,
Telling me I quit once, I can quit again.
But if I felt I could, I would have.
Now when those Quit ad's come on TV my sense of pride is down the shitter.
I feel guilt.
Watching the guy cough up blood while his unsuspecting family is inside.
That eats away at me.
It causes me upset, stress,
Enough to quit?
No, enough to light up to make me feel a little better.

I know my sense of strength and motivation will come back.
I just hope it's soon.
I want to be someone my children, husband, and family can rely on.
I don't want to be someone they can only talk to if I've had a cigarette because I'm an irrational cow who's full of grump without one.

It's all in my head,
This addiction.
But unfortunately,
My addiction is sharing my headspace with a lot of other shit, too.

If there was one thing I learned about quitting smoking before,
It's that I need to be ready,
Stress free, and happy.

I need to work on that first.
The only problem is,
I don't know how long that's going to take me.

1 comment:

  1. I've tried so many times to quit, but its never been at the smartest of times, always when im stressed... i go well for about... hmmm... 8 hours! then the kids wake up!
    And the hardest thing about quitting is when i sit down and have a glass of wine... I immediately reach for a smoke... I feel your pain!