Monday, July 11, 2011

Farting at Bedtime.

So it's quite late, and I am itching to post something before I sleep. Unfortunately, as I was contemplating riveting topics, I happened to fart, which leads me to here.
I know this isn't the most charming topic for a young lady to post about, but what else can be said except, after you've given birth twice without the assistance of pain relief, you are entitled to be as disgusting as you like on the internet. Okay!? Good.

Now, the past few days, I have been the Queen of SBD's [silent but deadly's, for those of you who aren't 'down' with the fart lingo]. An SBD is a fart that despite not being heard by fellow room occupants, most certainly does not go unnoticed. And since it's silent, you can pretty much move away and blame someone else.

[Oh the joys of having young children who cannot speak].

On top of the constant silent 'fluffing' [For those of you whom the word 'fart' offends, I shall recycle a word my Aunt used to use when I was a small child, which left my brother and I laughing more than the word 'fart' itself did] I have come up with a list of places that I really don't like fluffing in, and my reasons for such.

So, prepare yourself for 'Tara's Top Five Destinations In Which It Sucks To Fluff':

1: The Shower. You all know exactly what I am talking about. There's nothing worse than fluffing amongst the steam, which tends to make it smell worse. Sure enough, it's good to be able to escape the confines of the shower after fluffing but when you have your hair lathered in shampoo, it's just not possible. Therefore, you are left stranded without sight, because shampooing always leaves you cock-eyed so you don't get soap in it, and without the ability to breathe. Not very cool.

2: In The Car. Fluffing in the car is super shit. Especially during winter. Because you have to wind the window down to breathe, yet doing so, leads to the risk of a cold. So, you are stuck with your window down a crack, while leaning up to the window for air, which leads other vehicle occupants thinking 'yep, she's fluffed'. Again, not very cool.

3: In The Middle Of A Shop. When shopping, I have noticed should the smell of a fluff arise, fellow shoppers ALWAYS point it out, so they should not be blamed. Well, this sucks when you are in a small shop and you are alone with the 'I can smell a fluff' shopper. Naturally people look at you with blame written on their faces. In such a scenario, I immediately look at my kids. No-one is really disgusted by a baby fluffing. It's endearing... Or something?

4: In Bed. Particularly on a cold night. Nothing worse than fluffing, pulling the doona up over your head to keep warm and *BAM* you're the victim of a self-inflicted Dutch Oven. If it's overly bad, the gasses can cause you to become unconscious. I guess that's okay...?

And last, but not least,

5: In An Elevator. It's awkward however it happens. Empty lift, fluff, get out and someone walks into it knowing you did it. Full lift, same scenario as in a small shop. Just plain awkward.

I have no advice on how to avoid these situations. Maybe, you could hold it in, but holding an SBD in leads to the loud 'Escape between two clenched cheeks' fluff, and there's no way you can blame THAT on someone else.

I dare to ask, where's your least favourite place to 'drop yer guts?'

BlogBooster-The most productive way for mobile blogging. BlogBooster is a multi-service blog editor for iPhone, Android, WebOs and your desktop

1 comment:

  1. I totally agree with your top 5 and sadly have been dropped my guts at each of those locations. Worse when you don't have your kids with you to blame it on.

    Worst place for me was accidentally dropping one in my FIL's kitchen and he commented on it. I'd only been with my husband (then boyfriend) for a couple of months. Most mortifying moment of my life - considering I was trying to present myself as a "fine, young lady" at the time.