I'm 28 weeks and 1 day pregnant, and already, I'm just about ready to throw in the towel. And by throw in the towel, I mean nothing. Because at 28 weeks and 1 day of gestation, there's really not much to do from here on in except expand, piss a lot, and answer ridiculous questions.
I have admitted previously that I suffer the severe medical condition that is 'Baby Brain', but it would seem that my forgetfulness whilst having two brains in my body, merely brings out the fact that several people around me are barely functioning with the one brain they have. The fact that I'm forgetful is nothing on how stupid some people are, so here is my top ten list of:
'Stupid Shit People Ask Me/Say To Me (and possibly other poor pregno's) During Pregnancy!'
1. 'When are you having your baby?'
Is. This. A. Joke? I have never come across anyone I know personally who has had an elective C-Section. This is the only way anyone could possibly know when they are going to have their child. Or, if they are Alison Dubois then I suppose they'd probably know.
I am not having an elective C-Section, and I am not Alison Dubois.
If you mean 'when am I due?' I can tell you that, but it really means jack shit. Not all babies are born on their due date. I fluked it once, but I am the minority, and even if I was to go on my due date, the fact it is about 12 weeks away, how the fuck am I to know that'll happen when you ask me now.!?
2. 'Is this your first pregnancy?'
No. 'Second?' No. 'Ohhhh' *insert look of discomfort*. I'm sorry, but by learning I am expecting my third child, why do you insist on looking so uncomfortable? I am the one with an infant headbutting my pelvis, I should be the one who is pulling that face, NOT you!
3. 'Wow, you're getting big/bigger' or 'You've popped since I last saw you!'
I'm sorry, but excuse me? Yes, I am pregnant. Yes, I am aware of the fact I am fatter than I normally would be. The fact I haven't seen my vajayjay or feet without the assistance of a mirror, nor can I squeeze into anything without an elastic waistline, reminds me that I am no longer thin. You do NOT need to point out the obvious to me. I'm pregnant, not blind, I can see my gut is expanding. Not everyone wants to hear how fat they are! Even if they have a reason to be fat! Would it be appropriate if I pointed out how many blackheads, greys, or bad manners you've accumulated since I last saw you.!?
4. 'Not long to go now!'
Shut. The. Fuck. Up.
Twelve weeks until Christmas/Easter/Your Birthday/Any other fucking occasion that requires a ridiculous amount of spending, is 'Not long to go now!'
When you're counting every fucking minute until you're doing a loo dash every ten minutes to change a maternity pad and NOT doing a loo dash to piss because your baby is sitting on your bladder, 12 weeks is a LONG GODDAMN TIME.
Granted, I've been pregnant longer than the time I have left, but just shut your pie-hole! I hate you!
5. 'Have you felt any movements?'
This is okay if the question comes from my doctor, as she needs to know. To anyone else, I am 7 months pregnant. Seriously. Stand there and watch my shirt during the length of this exchange. It's fucking 'Alien Vs. Predator' in there.
6. 'Are you in labour?'
Again, I'm seven months pregnant. The minor 'ooh' sound I just made because I either got booted, elbowed, kneed, poked, or punched, does NOT indicate labour. If I felt like I was going into labour this early in my pregnancy, I'd be demanding an ambulance, not going 'ooh!'
7. *giggling and pointing* when you see me holding my back.
I'm off-balance. Top heavy. I've got more junk in the front than I do in the trunk. When I'm standing for a ridiculously long time, I like to support my back with my hand so I don't tip over. This is hilarious? Let me kick you. A lot. In the crotch. Then we'll see who's laughing at who's grabbing of what!
8. 'Are you ready?'
Ready for what? To give birth? To go to lunch? To rumble? Elaborate you fuckstain!
9. 'Getting excited?'
The moment I pissed on that over priced stick to find out my family was about to expand, I've been excited. I'm having another child, I've been having another child for over 28 weeks now. Been excited from Day 1, fool!
10. 'Do you know what you're having?'
I am pleased to report that after the second ultrasound, it was confirmed we are having a person, and not a red crayon! It was a bit hard to tell at first, but we're lucky!
So Mama's, admit it, what stupid questions or statements did you encounter during pregnancy? Did you get as stabby as I do?
Or, for anyone who hasn't been a hormonal pregnant woman, have you asked a question you wish you hadn't.!?