BabyWearing!

I was one of those Mama's who couldn't understand why, after ten months of carrying your child, you'd want to constantly carry them after they're born.

The minute Master S was born, no way in heck was he held 24/7. He was born during a heatwave that continued until he was about four months old. He was on the same page as me, aside from breastfeeding, hot, sweaty cuddles were not ideal for either of us.

Miss E was born in Winter, and as much as I didn't want it to happen, her cry sounded like she was being murdered if I put her down, so I had no choice but to lug her around. She was a brooch, and I found it was with her that selective hearing became my best friend. Tune her out if she didn't need anything and was crying for the sake of it, or go insane and never get anything done.

If I'm honest, I'd never even heard of baby wearing until I started blogging and came across Good Googs where author Zoey is a proud baby wearer. I knew carriers for infants existed, but I'd only heard the horror stories about how babies have been injured falling out of them, and decided it wasn't for me. Until now.

Little C is not a 'brooch baby' like Miss E was but because she is my last baby, I just want to bury myself in baby cuddles and never put her down.

Not to mention, I have been known to go shopping with three children, and it seems my local supermarket doesn't believe in enough trolleys with infant seats. The only pram I own is a whizz-bang double pram, and it's perfect to cart the girls around in, but Master S walking along with me... NIGHTMARE!

So, I decided to purchase a HugABub Ring Sling, after researching a gazillion wraps, slings and baby carriers. Then, and only then, I could put both Master S and Miss E in the pram, while still carting Little C around, and not lose either a child or my mind...

Or what's left of it...

And all I can say, after having it for an hour is, I am in love! Forever love. I can actually breastfeed while doing the dishes! No, I don't have a dishwasher (if you don't include me, that is) so it's all old school hand washing around here, and I can do THAT, and still relish in my baby goodness!

Winning!!

Letter to my Children - 'One Year Edition'

This time a year ago, a beautiful little bundle had been placed on my chest.
An incredibly welcome, and life changing edition to our family of three.
Bigger than you, Master S when you were born, but in many ways smaller, more petite, and seemingly more fragile.
The most perfect little girl in the world.
In between cooing, chowing down pizza while she slept & fretting about spending my first night away from you, I worried what you'd think of your new baby sister, Master S.
Would you be jealous?
Would you dislike her?
The moment you came bounding into that hospital room to meet Miss E, the love was all over your face.
It's been a year since that day.
A year since she made her grand entrance.
A year since we handed you the precious bundle wrapped in pink and you touched her nose with your chubby little finger, and kissed her cheeks.
And what a year!
Everything Master S did caught your attention, Miss E.
You loved him as much as he loved you.
You were rolling at 2 months old, crawling at 5 months, standing at 6 months, taking tentative steps at 7 months, and running at 8 months old.
You wanted to keep up with him, to join in his play.
You annoy him. He is often trying to escape you, or pushing you over, or snatching his toys out of your hands, but he also worries about you.
You stood near the heater the other day, and he shouted 'No NooNoo' (his nickname for you) and edged you out of harm's way.




We've all come so far in one year.
I changed the moment I was expecting the very first time, but becoming a Mummy for a second time, changes you more. I'm a different person. A better person for having the two of you to call my very own.

Happy First Birthday, Miss E.
Happy First BigBrother Anniversary, Master S.

  

I love you both to the moon & back.
Always and forever,
Mummy xoxox



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On a completely unrelated topic, I would just like to apologise again to all my followers on Twitter who received inappropriate spam emails from me. I have deactivated that account and have created a brand-new Twitter and can be found under the UserName @_OurAdventures_
If you could all forgive me and follow me again, I'd appreciate it. Right now I feel unpopular, and stalker-ish :)

Kissing in Front of Children.

This blog post was inspired by a discussion I had with some fellow Mummy's.

It is entirely my opinion, and I in no way mean any offence by it.

If you disagree, and the odds are, you will, feel free to share your view and your reasons behind your view.

My children watch "In the Night Garden".

I personally, don't get the show.

The only thing I have paid attention to is how Iggle Piggle is quite disobedient at bedtime,

[Master S is learning this behaviour]

and he & Upsy Daisy kiss on the lips.

A lot.

They don't "pash", it's just a simple peck on the lips.

I was quite taken aback by this, but soon got over it.

Until they kept doing it.

Several times an episode.

It led me to wonder whether this is appropriate for my children to watch.

I have already made my decision that HillTop Hospital is forever banned in The Happy House due to the sexual innuendo, and although kissing on the lips isn't as bad as the innuendo, I am unsure of whether to ban In The Night Garden.

I don't want to, as they enjoy it, and it helps keep them occupied while I prepare dinner.

But Master S already picks up things from the show [i.e. the disobedience at bedtime].

Anyway, all of this leads to my actual point, but in order to get there I need to stop fart arsing around.

I am a firm believer of showing my children affection.

Cuddling, and kisses on the cheek, forehead or nose,

are all ways in which I am openly affectionate with my Kidlets.

I do not agree that kissing a child on the lips is such a good idea.

Hear me out before you all criticize my ways of thinking.

I like to be aware of what my children are learning and from where.

Seeing the kissing on In the Night Garden, makes me worry that Master S & Miss E will pick this up.

This could result in some awkward kissing of each other.

In my view, and this is MY view,

kissing a child on the lips is a little inappropriate.

Kissing on the lips, to me, is quite an intimate gesture.

Something I would not feel comfortable doing to my children.

If something were to happen to my child of an innopropriate nature,

their behaviour and actions will be a key indicator that something is way off.

For example, if they started kissing people, or trying to kiss people on the lips,

something they have never done, I would be wary, and hopefully able to pick up on this behaviour,

and find the source behind it.

I do believe that children need to see some sort of affectionate behaviour from their parents towards one another however,

nothing explicit or anything that should be reserved for the bedroom,

but some sort of affection is a must.

I also, believe that a witnessed kiss every now and again is important too,

so they can see that kissing on the lips isn't wrong, but it's for grown-ups who love each other.

Having said that, Hubby & I do not kiss, hug, or hold hands in front of our children.

[Unless we are going for a walk, or crossing the road with the kids].

In fact, we've never been big on public displays of affection anywhere,

even before we had children.

I was asked yesterday, after discussing my views on affection in front of children,

"How do you show your children that Mummy & Daddy love each other if there is no loving gestures?"

I pondered this, and although to anyone reading this, we may sound stiff and stale,

we do a lot of things that show our children we love each other.

We don't hold hands, but randomly several times through the day, always before work, and before bed, we will always say "I love you" to one another.

We don't hold hands, but we play games with our children together,

and have been known to play "stacks on Daddy", thus resulting in a group hug.

We don't hug one another, but Hubby will occasionally drape an arm over my shoulders.

We laugh together, a lot.

We talk to each other about our children,

about our days,

while we are playing with the kids,

or at dinner time's, on days where Hubby is home for dinner.

They feel that love, that bond we share, that friendship.

We show affection and appreciation of one another with laughter,

and "I love you"s rather than openly hugging and kissing.

How do I know my kids feel the love?

Because when they see us joking around together,

spending time with them together,

they light up.

They join in on our laughter.

If they didn't feel love,

 it wouldn't make them as happy as it does to have us be that way in front of them.

I'd love to know: Are you affectionate with your partner in front of your children? And out of curiosity, do you kiss your children on the lips? Why/why not?

:)



I never expected this...

There are things one never thought they'd do, but find themselves doing when they have children.
Things such as being seen by several men and women with my pants down. Things such as peeing with the door open, showering with an audience, and sporting shirts with milk vomit stains.
Yes, the odd things become a part of life when you become a parent, but today, over two years after becoming a parent, I encountered something that made me think 'I'm 23 years old. I never thought I'd do this'.
Sometimes, I think this and it's a positive experience. Eating escargot, meeting someone famous, calling the local radio station and winning a Red Rooster meal. Today's experience? I see no positive!

Let me briefly re-hash my day.
The Kidlets slept in.
Had their breakfast, bath and some play time.
Followed by lunch, of baked beans and toast, and a nap.
When naptime was over, nappies needed changing.
Stinky nappies.
Times two!
All goes off without a hitch, poo is cleaned, and the Kidlets are happy.

I use the time the Kidlets were distracted to clean out the nappies. After not even two minutes away, I come back inside to hear giggling and chatter.
Happy they aren't fighting, I open the door and was met with a sight and smell that made me want to laugh and cry all at once.

In my haste of grabbing the nappies, a poop nugget, if you will, obviously fell out as I left the room. I came back to find the poop nugget smeared into several things. From my cream coloured carpet, to Miss E's hair & mouth. All over books, toys, clothes & the coffee table. All over hands, walls and the heater.

You can understand why I'd want to laugh, right?
You can also understand why, being the only adult at home who cleans, I'd want to cry, right?

After two baths, soap on skin allergic to it just to get the smell off, some baby toothpaste, half a bottle of disinfectant, a load of washing, a can of carpet deodorizer, a bottle of Dettol Antibacterial Spray, another bath just for poop covered cars that 'drove' the poop into the carpet, several 'Why me's shouted at the ceiling and an ever helpful two year old reminding me that 'poo is yuck!', I am pleased to announce, the poop and it's smell, have left The Happy House. All order has been restored, and I aim never to have an incident of this nature occur ever again.!

So, I put it to you: what's something you never thought you'd do, that you have done, since having children?

Alone.

Today the kidlets went out with their Pa, Uncle and Aunties to make Mother's Day gifts.
After I waved them off, I'd barely closed the door behind me, before realizing that with them gone and Hubby at work, I was alone for the first time in over two years.

The first thing I did with my new-found freedom, was lock my front door and go for a shower. Not the under two minute dip and scrub I have grown accustomed to while two cheeky monkeys are pressing their faces up against the glass, but a proper shower. With the door closed and scalding hot water, which I can never have in case Master S should undress and jump in with me. On top of the hot shower with the door closed, I actually shaved my legs.

I haven't shaved my legs since I attempted waxing a few months ago. The tattoo of Tinkerbell that I have on my ankle had grown a beard, that's how long it's been since I had enough time to shave my legs.

After shaving my legs, washing my hair, and getting dressed, it suddenly dawned on me that for under an hour, I only had to think of myself.
I had nothing to do.

I could have vacuumed, but the thought of that without Master S 'helping' while Miss E rides on it, was enough to make me want to cry.

It then occurred to me that one day they will both be at school and our separation is going to be for longer. Naturally, I freaked out.

So much so that I drove to Mum's to ask her how she handled separation anxiety. She then tried to dance around like Master S in an attempt to cheer me up and make me feel less lonely. It worked, temporarily. I then spent the remaining time talking about my kids and how much I missed them.

When they got back to Mum's place, I was disheartened to have Master S run straight to my Mum while my Dad told me how much fun Miss E (my little Mummy's girl) had without me and how she spent the whole time chatting and laughing to herself.

The whole experience has made me wonder what I was doing before I had kids... Whatever it was, it must have been pretty lousy!

When the cat's away...

Master S is at his Nana's.
He stayed there last night.
Being on holidays he loves spending as much time as he can with his Aunties and Uncle, and I am okay with that, but I'll be buggered if it doesn't hurt my feelings that he's way too happy to go.
I console myself with the fact that Nana has a kitten, dogs and a snake, all of which he doesn't have here and that's why he enjoys his sleepovers enough to run out the door after planting a kiss on his sister's head.
While he is gone our house is a lot quieter, and despite missing her brother, Miss E enjoys the time he's gone.
Not because she doesn't love him, but because she can play with his toys which fascinate her more than her own.
Master S has toy trains that look a little something like this:



He got one for his birthday and the other three were bought by his Daddy. Since Miss E is quite taken by them, Hubby even bought Miss E one, which is the yellow train pictured. Master S claimed it as his own and gave her her dolly to play with so she wouldn't notice.

Miss E plays endlessly with the trains while her brother is not here. (as you can see by her little hand trying to grab them in the photo).
Master S is not silly. He is aware she plays with his things and even checks to make sure they are where he left them. Namely inside his guitar (so she cannot get them out if she should find them).




He knows I can get them out (I have to do it for him) and he does not mind if I play with them, but she's 'not allowed' and if I do let her play with them, we get met with The Mean Face!





So, before he comes home, I'll be sure to drop his trains back in the broken guitar and whip out all Miss E's toys that she finds so boring, so that Master S can give us his Happy Face, instead.




So between us, shhh?

Rant.

I mentioned in a previous post that I am very opinionated and it can often get me in trouble.
Here's one of those opinions that may get your blood boiling (or you may totally agree, who knows?).

Daycare.

If you work or study and have absolutely no choice but to pop your child in Daycare, then that is cool bananas. It's your right to utilize the service for it's intended purpose.

BUT (and here's the crazy rant bitch coming out) when you are a stay at home mother, with no other job than being a mother, why pop your kids in Daycare?

I know of a mother who dumps her kid in Daycare once a week because she 'likes a day off' and do you know what she does once a week while her kid is in Daycare? Gets drunk.

Okay.

I'm up on my high horse now because I bloody can be.
I am a stay at home Mum of Two. Not just one! TWO. Double the nappy changes, double the meal making, double the dressing, double the playtime AND I do it alone most days (kudos to you single Mama's!)

Sometimes, I would give my right arm for one day off a week.

Sure, I could drop my kids in Daycare, but I don't have any right to. My kids in Daycare would take up two spots that could be used for families who need the Daycare because they work or study. Dumping a child in Daycare so you can drink is wrong with a capital W! It's abuse of a system we are privileged to have these days.

Even if I did get one day off a week I assure you I wouldn't be drinking. I would be doing housework (to distract myself) or sitting in my kids' rooms cuddling their clothes, or toys and crying because I miss them, their noise, their chatter.

The night Miss E was born I stayed up all night (after giving birth) fretting about how Master S was doing without me, and he was at home with his father, not in the care of strangers!

How a parent can say they are a stay at home parent, yet palm off their kid to anyone and everyone for NO bloody reason is beyond me!

If your child/ren is/are such a bloody burden on your life then return to work, or even better, don't have kids. People would stab someone in the eye for a chance to have a baby, and you are dumping yours off on whoever because you need a day off. Being a parent is a privilege, not a right.

Full time parenting is what you signed up for the day you had sex (excuse the crass analogy). It is tough, but every moment spent with your kids is worth how tough it can be. Daycare dumping is as good as unfit parenting when used in this way!

/rant.

Update.

The kidlets are both finally asleep.
Miss E has been screaming all night.
It's crying, but she's been screaming as if afraid or in pain.
No matter what I tried, she kept on screaming.
I would have once lost my cool and cried with her, but I am pretty rapt I handled the situation with maximum cool in tact.
We watched the Gummy Bear video a few times but that was really a temporary fix.
She had cuddles with her Daddy when he got home and is now asleep.
Master S had a late nap, and thus a later dinner and bath. He's only just settled down for the night, actually.

They had a pretty big day.
Nothing extraordinary happened, but the kids enjoyed each other's company and played happily together for the better part of the day:




One big thing about the day was the massive corn we had for with our dinner.
Excuse Master S' 'half asleep' face, but LOOK at the size of THAT CORN!

How far would you fall before you asked for help?

Asking for help is hard.

It makes you feel weak & dependent.

You don't want to be a burden.

But to admit you need help,

and ask for it,

is a sign of true strength.

After Miss E was born,

everyone told me how much of a great job I was doing.

If they saw my children & I,

they always commented on how well & happy we looked.

But, I wasn't okay.

I was crying for no reason.

I felt completely incapable.

I slept in once, and left Mr. M to bathe, dress & feed the kids,

and when I woke up, I felt like a failure.

I was told my reaction was silly.

He did not mind that I got an extra hour sleep.

"You obviously needed it", he said.

NO!

I do not need sleep, I need to harden the fuck up and be a mother, I told myself.

Everyday if something went wrong,

or I wasn't on the ball,

as is often the case when you have a newborn and a 19 month old,

I was in tears,

cursing at myself,

telling myself I was no good.

I had friends, whom I have since spoken to*,

that I envied.

They were calm, they were happy,

their gifts of mothering from Gods.

[*I became aware they thought the same of me. Yet I didn't feel God-like.]

Seeing them, made me tell myself the kidlets deserved better and I needed to lift my game!

Miss E was 6 weeks old.

I knew this wasn't "Baby Blues"

because I had that with Master S,

a moment of sheer exhaustion & tears.

This was more than a moment.

This was an everyday occurance.

In order for my kids to get the 100% care they needed from me,

I needed 5 coffees before 10am,

and I couldn't waste the precious energy I gained from a caffeine boost.

Even for a shower.

This was something else,

but it couldn't have been PND.

My Mum told me I was too hard on myself,

which made me feel worse.

I was doing a shit job,

I couldn't be easy on myself because I didn't deserve it.

I hated me.

I hated my lack of ability.

I didn't have PND because I didn't want to hurt my children.

This went on until my 6 week check-up with Miss E.

My doctor weighed, measured, poked & prodded her.

She was perfect, thriving, doing wonderfully in all departments.

I was asked the stock standard questions.

How's she feeding?

How's your blood loss?

What are your feelings on birth control?

I was left thinking,

Birth control?

Who wants sex when I am a shit parent?

Before I practically begged her,

"I am not coping! Help me, please!"

As a mother of two, I knew I was not normal.

I knew I needed help because I was okay after Master S was born.

 I only knew it wasn't right to feel like this because I'd had a child before and all was swell.

Now, how many mothers have felt like I did, after their first?

How could they know it is not normal?

I wasn't asked how I was,

but I asked for & got help because I knew I needed it.

I am all for preventing pregnancy so soon after giving birth,

but, at a 6 week check-up,

doctors should ask how women are coping.

A five minute chat could hold answers & diagnose someone with PND.

Provide them with information.

Tell them that just because they don't want to shake their newborn,

they could still have PND.

It could get them medication, counselling,

It could prevent the issue building,

thus resulting in something like the horror Jess blogged about.

If a first time Mum feels what I was feeling,

and isn't aware it's abnormal,

how are they meant to get help?

Yes, they could ask, but how are they to know it's abnormal?

How are they to know they aren't bad for feeling that way?

How are they to know what to look for in PND if they've never had children?

I knew I needed help,

but I didn't know I had PND because I didn't want to kill my children.

How mis-informed was I?

Now, had I not asked [and received] help,

How long would it have been before it escalated on me?

How long before I did want to shake my baby?

Did want to kill myself?

The answer of that, I will never know.

But for some mothers,

it becomes a reality.

There is too much stigma surrounding Post Natal Depression.

I heard mothers talking about being diagnosed,

people I admired for their mothering skills,

before I was a sufferer, too.

My assumption was if you had PND,

you were going to, or had planned ways of, killing your baby.

I was ashamed of admitting I had it.

In fact, if I did admit it,

I always said,

"But I don't want to hurt my child!"

in order for people to think less badly of me,

 than I feared they already did.

After I hit the bottom of the deepest, darkest hole I could imagine,

with no inkling of how to climb out,

I want other mothers to be aware it can happen to anyone.

It can happen to mothers who have been trying to have children for years.

It can be as little as condemning yourself for not being perfect.

It can be as major as wanting to kill your child, or yourself, or your partner.

It can grow.

It is normal to be emotional after birthing a child.

Labour is physically and emotionally exhausting.

But it is not normal to feel inadequate all the time.

It is not normal to be hard on yourself for making minor errors.

It is not normal to think you have to be perfect all the time.

It's okay to ask someone, anyone for help.

If you feel lousy,

talk to someone,

and see what someone else thinks you should do.

The odds are,

they know exactly what you feel,

or they know someone who does.

You are a mother,

but you are also a person,

and if you do not feel like you are what your child or children deserve,

then you need a boost to get there.

Asking for help is intimidating,

I know.

Admitting you don't feel strong enough to be a parent is scary.

Scary, because you don't want to be judged or condemned or branded a bad parent.

If you want to be better,

then asking for help to be better,

is the act of an excellent parent.

I know how easy it is to say "get help",

I also know how hard it is to do it.

How far would you fall before you asked for help?

And to anyone out there who knows anyone who has recently had a baby,

along with your congratulations,

make sure you ask them "how are YOU doing?"

By asking that one question,

you could help someone who needs it.

And at the end of the day,

we Mummys all only want one thing,

and that is to be the mothers our children deserve.

To make sure they are safe, happy & loved.

And if you are struggling to take care of yourself,

then taking care of someone else,

is harder.

Letter to my Children.

It has been a long time between letters,

and in this time a lot has happened as far as our little family is concerned.

You are both asleep, obviously, so what better time for me to update you?

Master S, you correctly pronounced the word "bubbles" today.

You kept saying "bubbles" as you & your friends at PlayGroup chased them.
Everyone was impressed, and as we kept praising you, you kept saying it.

Miss E, you clapped your hands yesterday for the first time, in Target.

I showed you some clothes I wanted to buy Aunty Duckie for her birthday,

you clapped in approval.

Your brother clapped with you, and gave you a kiss on the head,

while I bragged to a lady in the next aisle, whom I can only assume is a mother too,

because she had that look of understanding we mothers get when another mother relishes in their children's milestones.

Daddy has been working afternoon shifts at work, so he doesn't get home until 9pm during the week.

He gets to spend the morning with you both,

but he misses out on dinner, bathtime & our play/reading time before bed.

He hates it.

I hate it.

You guys seem indifferent, but lately it's been a struggle to settle you both into bed,

and within five minutes of him being home, you are both asleep.

It has become obvious more so how precious our time is together.
With all the milestones you are each reaching,
it's opened my eyes that you aren't little babies anymore.
You will always be my babies, but you are learning things,
becoming less dependant on me, and it's happening way too fast.

Today, three years ago, probably this exact time of night,

my life changed.

The day was the same as any other, but that night, changed my life.

Yesterday, three years ago, was Aunty Duckie's birthday.

She was 6,

and when she blew out her candles after making her wish,

we asked her what she wished for.

Not one to be swayed by the fact telling stops it from coming true,

she looked at me, and said,

"I wish for my own little personal Mr. M who I can boss around".

We all laughed at how cute she was.

But she was serious.

The next day, I went to work, and as your Daddy came into my work to pick me up for our lunch break date,

he said "You are looking chubby today, are you sure you aren't pregnant?"

Not only was I offended,

that night when he mentioned it again,

I decided to prove him wrong and took a test while he waited in our room.

That night, my life changed, did I mention that?

Two blue lines turned he & I,

into Mummy & Daddy.

From that moment on,

regardless of having not seen you on a screen, Master S,

regardless of not having felt you move as yet,

regardless of being so early in my pregnancy that I didn't even have morning sickness,

or realised I had even skipped a period,

I loved you.

I was scared.

You bet I was.

Daddy was in tears.

He was so excited,

but thought Nana & Pa were going to beat him up so he cried.

Turns out they didn't beat him up.
Not only were we adults,
bur we were in the process of planning our wedding,

so they knew a baby would join us one day,

you just snuck up on us a lot earlier than we planned.

It turned out okay.

More that okay.

It turned out to be the most amazing thing I could have hoped for.

Being a Mummy is so hard.

I love you both so much that I am afraid.

I am afraid that one day you both won't need to hold my hands anymore.

Afraid that one day the perfect world you see will be tarnished.

Afraid that you will fall in love and be heartbroken.

Afraid that you will hate me at one stage or another in your growing up.

I have never been so afraid of anything in my life,

than of you both being hurt.

but I know that one day [well, I hope that one day...],

two little blue lines will change your lives.

It will start you on a scary, amazing, eye opening, happy, overwhelming journey,

that will continue forever.

And, regardless of the tantrums you throw now,

the incessant "I want this, I want that" we will have in the supermarket when you are in primary school,

and the disagreements we will have when you are teenagers and wanting to go out somewhere that I am not comfortable with, resulting in your screaming "I HATE YOU! YOU'VE RUINED MY LIFE!",

I will be there with you,

I will be proud of you both,

I will still love you both,

as much as I did when you were both just little blue lines.

And when my time is almost up,

and I am a little old lady,

hopefully a Nana to many grandchildren,

I will still be afraid.

Not because of what is to be of me,

but because I have to trust that what I have done for the years prior,

is enough to help you and to guide you,
through the years you face without me.

I will always love you both.
I always have,
and I always will.

Mummy xoxoxoxox

Sibling Rivalry.

It happens.

I used to fight with mine, and still do to this day.

After finding out I was pregnant a fight with my sister led to her saying,

"Why don't you go have sex? Bitch".

Er, I did, hence the situation of being pregnant.

But that's another story.

Just wanted to add it because it's still funny nearly 3 years later.

Now, when I first had the kids, I was still living at home with my parents & siblings.

Master S, despite being an only child, never was alone.

Due to constantly being surrounded by children,

I had concerns about sibling rivalry,

but not many.

My concerns were based on other things,

Would Master S feel equally loved, even though he was?

Would Mr. M favour Master S over the new baby, since he grew up being the least favourite child in his family?

Would I be able to teach a 19 month old to be gentle?

I would only have answers to these when I gave birth.

Master S [obviously] was a big part of my pregnancy.

He attended all my appointments and ultrasounds.

I started him in PlayGroup to get him used to being around other children,

and borrowed many library books about being a big brother.

He was still young, but was incredibly wise.

He knew "his" bub was living in my tummy,

and was very gentle with my tummy, and loved feeling her kicks.

He'd talk to her & kiss my tummy everyday.

When I went into labour, I was at home and remained as calm as I could so as not to frighten him.

He was to stay home and go to bed while we were at the hospital,

but before he did, he rubbed my tummy through my contractions,

and helped me by holding my water bottle.

I left him that night telling him I loved him,

and when I saw him again, he'd have a little sister.

[Amongst the labour pain, I was incredibly nervous, as it was our first night apart].

After delivering his sister, safely before midnight,

I found it difficult to sleep.

I missed him so much, but knew his Daddy would bring him to see us first thing in the morning.

This unsettled me some.

Mr. M was a big brother at 11 months old.

It was his first Christmas, and his Mum wasn't there with him.

My Nightmare in Law told me the moment Mr. M laid eyes on his sister,

he looked at her & his Mum with pure hatred,

and they still hate each other to this day

The moment I heard Mr. M's voice,

and the sound of Master S' tiny feet running up the corridor,

I was overwhelmed with several emotions.

Relief that he'd made it through the night without me.

Happiness at seeing him after a night apart.

And, apprehension, obviously, about his reaction to myself & his new sister.

The moment he came into the room and saw me holding Miss E,

I looked at his face, and felt silly for feeling unsure.

His eyes were filled with love, awe, pride.

He loved her on sight.

He wanted to hold her, and cried whenever anyone else was holding her because he wanted her back.

When we got home he was so helpful.

[Much to the disgust of my Health Centre Nurse who told me he was a child, and I shouldn't expect him to be a parent... er, okay crazy, he is the one who wants to help, and I'm not pushing him away because you say I have to!?]

If she was sleeping, he'd watch her and tell everyone to "shhh".

If she was awake, he'd touch her face, or climb on the couch with his arms out to hold her.

He'd bring me nappies when she needed them, and even if she didn't,

When I fed her, he sat beside me so we could all read a book together.

When she learned new things, he clapped and cuddled her,

Every night before bed he'd kiss her on the head.

All was well.

We moved out into our own place, and all was still well.

Until she got a little older.

If she touches his toys he snatches them off her.

Sometimes, he hits her for no reason.

Sometimes she cries while playing with him,

and when Master S gets in trouble,

she's grinning ever so smugly.

They have my whole heart.

Both of them.

I love them the same.

I thought loving one child was intense, but loving two is insane!

I want them to see each other as equals,

not rivals.

I buy them the same toys,

because Miss E likes cars,

and Master S likes dollies,

so if one gets something,

so does the other.

But Master S thinks all the cars should be his,

and at the end of our full on days,

that is what their fights are mostly over.

Stupid little toy cars.

I am trying to teach them sharing,

but it's tough when one doesn't understand,

and the other is big enough to stuff the cars in his pockets and run.

Other than the lack of sharing,

he loves his sister.

She loves her brother and cries if he leaves her by herself.

He occasionally goes to stay over at his Nana's,

and the whole time he's gone,

not only am I dealing with my own sense of loss,

but I'm dealing with her's.

She's incredibly clingy,

and won't settle until he comes home.

Do your children fight with one another & if so,

How do you deal with sibling rivalry?