Friday, April 8, 2011

Letter to my Children.

It has been a long time between letters,
and in this time a lot has happened as far as our little family is concerned.
You are both asleep, obviously, so what better time for me to update you?

Master S, you correctly pronounced the word "bubbles" today.
You kept saying "bubbles" as you & your friends at PlayGroup chased them.
Everyone was impressed, and as we kept praising you, you kept saying it.
Miss E, you clapped your hands yesterday for the first time, in Target.
I showed you some clothes I wanted to buy Aunty Duckie for her birthday,
you clapped in approval.
Your brother clapped with you, and gave you a kiss on the head,
while I bragged to a lady in the next aisle, whom I can only assume is a mother too,
because she had that look of understanding we mothers get when another mother relishes in their children's milestones.

Daddy has been working afternoon shifts at work, so he doesn't get home until 9pm during the week.
He gets to spend the morning with you both,
but he misses out on dinner, bathtime & our play/reading time before bed.
He hates it.
I hate it.
You guys seem indifferent, but lately it's been a struggle to settle you both into bed,
and within five minutes of him being home, you are both asleep.

It has become obvious more so how precious our time is together.
With all the milestones you are each reaching,
it's opened my eyes that you aren't little babies anymore.
You will always be my babies, but you are learning things,
becoming less dependant on me, and it's happening way too fast.
Today, three years ago, probably this exact time of night,
my life changed.
The day was the same as any other, but that night, changed my life.

Yesterday, three years ago, was Aunty Duckie's birthday.
She was 6,
and when she blew out her candles after making her wish,
we asked her what she wished for.
Not one to be swayed by the fact telling stops it from coming true,
she looked at me, and said,
"I wish for my own little personal Mr. M who I can boss around".

We all laughed at how cute she was.
But she was serious.

The next day, I went to work, and as your Daddy came into my work to pick me up for our lunch break date,
he said "You are looking chubby today, are you sure you aren't pregnant?"
Not only was I offended,
that night when he mentioned it again,
I decided to prove him wrong and took a test while he waited in our room.

That night, my life changed, did I mention that?
Two blue lines turned he & I,
into Mummy & Daddy.

From that moment on,
regardless of having not seen you on a screen, Master S,
regardless of not having felt you move as yet,
regardless of being so early in my pregnancy that I didn't even have morning sickness,
or realised I had even skipped a period,
I loved you.

I was scared.
You bet I was.
Daddy was in tears.
He was so excited,
but thought Nana & Pa were going to beat him up so he cried.

Turns out they didn't beat him up.
Not only were we adults,
bur we were in the process of planning our wedding,
so they knew a baby would join us one day,
you just snuck up on us a lot earlier than we planned.

It turned out okay.
More that okay.
It turned out to be the most amazing thing I could have hoped for.
Being a Mummy is so hard.
I love you both so much that I am afraid.

I am afraid that one day you both won't need to hold my hands anymore.
Afraid that one day the perfect world you see will be tarnished.
Afraid that you will fall in love and be heartbroken.
Afraid that you will hate me at one stage or another in your growing up.

I have never been so afraid of anything in my life,
than of you both being hurt.
but I know that one day [well, I hope that one day...],
two little blue lines will change your lives.

It will start you on a scary, amazing, eye opening, happy, overwhelming journey,
that will continue forever.
And, regardless of the tantrums you throw now,
the incessant "I want this, I want that" we will have in the supermarket when you are in primary school,
and the disagreements we will have when you are teenagers and wanting to go out somewhere that I am not comfortable with, resulting in your screaming "I HATE YOU! YOU'VE RUINED MY LIFE!",

I will be there with you,
I will be proud of you both,
I will still love you both,
as much as I did when you were both just little blue lines.

And when my time is almost up,
and I am a little old lady,
hopefully a Nana to many grandchildren,
I will still be afraid.
Not because of what is to be of me,
but because I have to trust that what I have done for the years prior,
is enough to help you and to guide you,
through the years you face without me.

I will always love you both.
I always have,
and I always will.

Mummy xoxoxoxox

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