After reading the post Glowless @ "Where's my Glow?" shared today about something that's frequented my NewsFeed on Facebook for weeks,
I figured I'd add my two cents. I almost died when I realized I was NOT the only woman on earth who just didn't get it.
If you haven't heard of '50 Shades of Grey' then it's safe to assume you don't have the Internet, a television or extremely horny girlfriends who just. cannot. get. enough. of. this. book.
It seems it's taken over the world. Everyone is talking about it.
It's been described by many as 'Mummy Porn', so naturally, five weeks after vaginally delivering an 8 pound babe, I was not even interested in this stupid trend.
I had no idea what it was about when I first downloaded it, and I don't even know why I first downloaded it.
It may have been the fact it wasn't going to go away, so I figured 'if you can't beat 'em, join 'em'.
My only understanding of 50 Shades was that it's an erotic novel that can get your juices flowing.
I figured if I could make my way through a Mills & Boon without blushing at the fact my Nana had read it before me, then this book would not be anything new.
It was my personal challenge. I would be the first (and I thought only) woman in the world who could read this stupid book and not be oozin' in my jocks or contributing to the next trend:
The baby boom that is set to follow the launch of this book (aptly named 'Generation Grey' by Mr. Emma's Brain on Twitter the other day before I sold my soul to the devil and started reading the book!)
It wasn't until I struggled to move past page 6 (I am a competent reader, when I'm reading the works of a competent author who can spell 'lounge' the correct way!) that I realized there is a story line in there somewhere. A shit one, but a storyline, no less.
Without giving too much away, it's a love story about a little virgin, Anastacia, who bites her lip, a lot. Thinks 'oh my', a lot. Has no concept of what 'subconscious' means, and has sex with a total stranger (Mr. Grey) after meeting him a total of 3 times, thus not making her a virgin anymore and more of a sex fiend, if you will.
Said stranger is a Millionaire, is into 'kinky fuckery' (to quote the stupidest shit I've read in my life) and she's, allegedly, not a gold digger.
But the plot thickens...
Oh wait, no it doesn't!
Because all they do is fight.
And the fighting has NOTHING to do with the BDSM the novel is allegedly about. Since reading this, I know as much about BDSM as I did before reading it. In fact, I still don't even know what BDSM means!?
When there's no sex or fighting there's a lot of thinking on Anastacia's part, which is lucky because if she vocalized her thoughts, Mr. Grey would be dumping her sorry arse!
If I pulled a strand of hair out of my head for every time I read any of the following 'thoughts of Anastacia's' (also known as 'Ana-Eurisms'):
- 'So hot', 'Oh my' or 'Holy fuck'
- How Mr. Grey is 'gloriously naked'.
Or (my personal non-favourite)
- Her references to her 'sex'*.
I would be bald. Twice.
So, to all those women and men out there who just can't get enough of '50 Shades of Grey'... I can and I have.
50 Shades of Grey.
Do you love it, or hate it?
*If you're going to be the author of allegedly the most erotic books out, you need to learn your anatomy. It's a fucking 'VAGINA', not a 'sex', you dipshit.